I haven't posted anything in a while.....so since then, I've graduated high school and am now facing a whole new chapter: college. Slightly apprehensive about that one, guess I'm afraid it'll be too much like high school. It's funny that this the only way I feel comfortable getting all this off my chest, I lay the blame with the fact that my ability to communicate my feelings is up there with that of a mute person. On June 10, it'll be three years since my mother died. They say that it gets better with time, but I think that you just come to accept it, because the pain certainly never goes away....it's always present, even when it's just buzzing in the background, always making its presence know in some way. With the way I worry and stress about everything little conceivable thing, I'll either go prematurely grey or have a nervous breakdown/ heart attack by the time I'm 20. I've never handled anxiety very well, usually it turns into anger, which is handled even worse. Maybe I'll come to my senses and learn how to actually talk to someone...but I wouldn't put my money on it.

Some wounds are so extensive that even time cannot heal them.

So close, but not close enough

Christmas is so close I can taste it, but this one feels different. One reason I know is that it's another holiday without my mother.....just one of many more to come. It's a bitter pill to swallow and one that choked me. Another reason it feels different is that it's like I've got a whole other family to celebrate it with. Which would be my friends that I love to death. I want to be able to have the blind faith that they'll be with me forever, but for some reason I won't let myself have complete hope in it. So I take it day by day and I'll see how far it'll take me. One thing I wish, is that I mean as much to them as they mean to me. Anyway, I'm so excited for Christmas! No matter how old you get, it'll always be about what you find under the tree and the excitement that it ensues. So I hope everybody has a magical Christmas.

Thanksgiving Day

Yay, it's Thanksgiving! I do have things to be thankful for: like my dad, brothers and sisters, and of course my nieces Madi, Riley, and Eisley. Sometimes I think that those little girls are the only things holding me here, that without them I wouldn't be here right now. I don't know what I'd do without them. Anyways, the family I still have is the most important thing to me ever. A lot of my family I either don't know or I don't have any contact with, which is my mom's whole side of the family. My dad was an only child so my mom was the only source of any aunts, uncles, or cousins. But, you can't help who you're born to or what you're born into. You can't control if you're family is completely screwed up. You also can't control if they just don't give a damn about you. My sister Brooke basically abandoned the family after my mom died and took my nephew, Vincent, with her. He turned 5 on August 29th, I haven't seen him since he was 3. Probably won't ever see him again, which is the hardest thing to think about. He was my little red-headed nephew and the smartest toddler you've ever seen in your life. There isn't anything I can do about it. I really couldn't care less if I ever saw her again, but I would give anything to see Vincent one more time before she screws him for life. So, lesson is to be thankful for what you do have and not to linger on what you've lost or it will just make you crazy and depressed. Hope everybody has an amazing Thanksgiving!

Maybe I do have a purpose after all

After two and a half years, I'm still not over my mom's death. Not that I'm supposed to be cool with it, but I've still not accepted it completely. I don't know how, no one ever showed me how to grieve and to let it go. No one ever told me everything's gonna be alright, that's just what I told myself, even when I thought there was a chance she could still be alive. I was never asked, by my dad or anyone else, how I was dealing with it or how I was doing. I did what I do best, kept everything inside and dealt with it myself. Nobody understands how much it scares me to open up and to bare my entire soul to somebody. I can't feel that vulnerable. I believe that if I act strong, then nothing can ever hurt me again. I know that's unrealistic, but that's how I cope. I pretend that I don't care, because if you don't care about someone, it won't hurt when they're gone or when they leave you. My dad thinks that I have nothing to worry or stress about, and even laughed in my face when I told him that I might be depressed. So....you see my history of sharing my feelings and why I'm so scared of it.

The Day I Died

He calls me worthless, he calls me lazy
After all this time, I wonder why I let it faze me
He blames me for this, he blames me for that
I said nothing and stayed where I sat
It hurt everybody, it broke us all
His only concern is for himself, from where he got the gall
He resents me for something, claims he gets no help
From the way he treats me, you'd think I killed her myself:
I woke up that morning, everything was fine
I went into the living room, she was laying out of line
She was sick last night, just one night of many more
What I noticed then, shocked me to my core
She wasn't breathing, my mind wouldn't let me accept
This isn't real, I internally wept
I kept myself from what I didn't want to feel
I tried to ignore it, I tried to make it go away
But it wouldn't, as the edges of my wound began to fray
That day I lost a mother, a huge piece of my being
Though I hide it well, I am always grieving
Everybody thinks I'm fine, they just don't see
Perhaps I don't want them to, maybe I just want to be
I blame myself for my own personal hell
For fooling everyone into thinking I'm doing so well
I don't know how to ask for help, to tell my problems
So I suffer in silence, searching on my own on how to solve them

It seems like I have to fight for every little thing in my life. Nothings ever given or handed to me, not that everything should be handed to me. Maybe it'll make me stronger, but how strong should one person have to be? How much should one person be made to fight for? On the other hand, I've seen people who've had to fight for nothing and everything was served to them on a silver platter. I wouldn't want to be like that ever. So maybe it's better to have to fight for something or to at least to have something that's worth fighting for. Or else, you're life probably wouldn't be worth very much. So, be thankful for what you have and keep on fighting for what you think is worth it.