Thanksgiving Day

Yay, it's Thanksgiving! I do have things to be thankful for: like my dad, brothers and sisters, and of course my nieces Madi, Riley, and Eisley. Sometimes I think that those little girls are the only things holding me here, that without them I wouldn't be here right now. I don't know what I'd do without them. Anyways, the family I still have is the most important thing to me ever. A lot of my family I either don't know or I don't have any contact with, which is my mom's whole side of the family. My dad was an only child so my mom was the only source of any aunts, uncles, or cousins. But, you can't help who you're born to or what you're born into. You can't control if you're family is completely screwed up. You also can't control if they just don't give a damn about you. My sister Brooke basically abandoned the family after my mom died and took my nephew, Vincent, with her. He turned 5 on August 29th, I haven't seen him since he was 3. Probably won't ever see him again, which is the hardest thing to think about. He was my little red-headed nephew and the smartest toddler you've ever seen in your life. There isn't anything I can do about it. I really couldn't care less if I ever saw her again, but I would give anything to see Vincent one more time before she screws him for life. So, lesson is to be thankful for what you do have and not to linger on what you've lost or it will just make you crazy and depressed. Hope everybody has an amazing Thanksgiving!

Maybe I do have a purpose after all

After two and a half years, I'm still not over my mom's death. Not that I'm supposed to be cool with it, but I've still not accepted it completely. I don't know how, no one ever showed me how to grieve and to let it go. No one ever told me everything's gonna be alright, that's just what I told myself, even when I thought there was a chance she could still be alive. I was never asked, by my dad or anyone else, how I was dealing with it or how I was doing. I did what I do best, kept everything inside and dealt with it myself. Nobody understands how much it scares me to open up and to bare my entire soul to somebody. I can't feel that vulnerable. I believe that if I act strong, then nothing can ever hurt me again. I know that's unrealistic, but that's how I cope. I pretend that I don't care, because if you don't care about someone, it won't hurt when they're gone or when they leave you. My dad thinks that I have nothing to worry or stress about, and even laughed in my face when I told him that I might be depressed. So....you see my history of sharing my feelings and why I'm so scared of it.